zindagi migzara

two weeks down, 11 to go...

Decided to resurrect this blog, and hopefully it will be transferring to the nomadlife server soon...
This will be more of my rants and raves, as opposed to discussing what I've been seeing/doing in Jordan. So if this blog seems a little whiny at times, TOO BAD! :)

Nothing like a good chat (albeit, online) with someone from back home to make me feel a little better. The past two weeks have been quite a rollercoaster: combine stress at work (trying to impress the seemingly unimpressible Winkie Williamson, my boss), being bored in my apartment, desperately missing people back home, and still struggling to figure out this Jordanian culture, with beautiful weather, great food, one awesome random trip to the Dead Sea, one hilarious night at a gay bar, and a few other great conversations- and I feel as though I've turned manic depressive. One minute I'm so excited to be here, and I can't wait to experience everything Jordan has to offer, and the next minute I'm almost literally counting down the seconds until August 23.

Work has had similar ups and downs- either I'm on my laptop playing solitaire and gchatting, or I'm visiting a tiny village interviewing some of the most marginalized women in Jordanian society- to see if their loans financed by JOHUD are actually working, or if the current microfinance craze is just a trendy illusion (and from what I've gathered so far- it is unfortunately just that).

Last night, I went to a screening of a Syrian film at the Royal Film Commission with a couple of friends. The setting was beautiful- outdoors in the Commission's backyard, overlooking the rest of Jebel Amman and the Balad. At one point, there were even fireworks going off in the distance...if I would have been on a date, it would have been very romantic. Unfortunately, I didn't see much of the movie. There were three rows of people in front of me, and I had to crane my neck so high to see the subtitles that soon I had a horrible neckache and started feeling nauseous. That feeling of nausea brought back memories from those horrible couple of weeks in India- and since I still don't yet feel 100%, my brain immediately started racing with thoughts of the hospital, doctors, and that awful feeling that no one would ever figure out what was wrong with me. With all these thoughts running through my head, I didn't really catch much of the rest of the movie. Afterwards, everyone said it kind of sucked anyways :) But all in all it was a pretty good night in a beautiful setting, with cool people, free popcorn and pop :)

Anyways, after that we walked back to the MC place, where Abeer, Momani, Oksana and a couple others were hanging out with the new MC member (Saba's replacement) who had just arrived that night. Abeer drove us all home and I finally got back to my apartment at around 11:30- which for me, now seems veryy late. I've gotten into a routine of going to bed early and getting up early- I have to because of my job- but it still is quite different from the usual go-to-bed at 3am (usually not even in my own apartment) , wake up at 9 for class, take a nap at some point in the day in between work, class, and @meetings, and then do it all over again. So last night really threw me off my old-person schedule and I woke up pretty tired this morning. After pressing the snooze a couple times, I had a "screw it" moment and decided to sleep another half hour and go to work late. I knew I would get my work done, and no one comes into the office until later anyways...

And I was right. I'm sitting in my office right now, it's 11:15am, and there still is no one in the office. I don't understand this Jordanian work culture. Rand, my other boss, made it a point to tell me that while the JOHUD office has a very laid-back atmosphere, being on time is really important. That couldn't be farther from the truth- I'm supposed to be here from 8-4 every day and I'm almost always the one that opens the place up in the morning and closes it in the afternoon. Yesterday, Rand decided to leave work an hour or so early, told me she'd give me a ride home, then we spent the rest of the afternoon at the vet's office playing with cats. I'm not complaining- I'm glad the times are flexible, but it's just strange when I've been explicitly told one thing and the reality is the complete opposite.

During the past two weeks I really feel as though I've temporarily lost that reason for why I'm here. There's been some good times and some bad times, but I feel as though I'm just living day-to-day and at the moment, I've lost that passion for why I do what I do. Why do I constantly leave my home, my family, and those other people that I love dearly and put myself in these often uncomfortable positions? Maybe I'm just burnt out- I only had a week off at home in between finals at U of I and coming to Jordan. But whatever it is, I just can't find that drive...

I've had multiple people tell me in the past week that I'm so strong for doing what I'm doing, but why can't I feel it?

I'm hopefully going to Petra this weekend, maybe a few good hikes in the Holy Land will inspire me.

posted by Laura @ 2:28 AM